Fellow Sailors

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/09/coworker-hunts-for-dates-at-work-office-is-changing-dress-code-but-wont-explain-how-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32979

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker is using work as his hunting grounds for flings

I recently got roped into a situation at work between several coworkers. Turns out my coworker Jim has been engaged in relations with several different women at work. He has a girlfriend of five years (who also used to be a coworker) and has cheated on her with, in order, Jenny, who had just gotten out of a 10-year abusive relationship; Tina, who is 20 years younger than him and had just gotten out of a long-term relationship; and now Alice, who is also 20 years younger than him and just got out of a long-term abusive relationship.

To me, it looks like he is targeting vulnerable women who he knows he can manipulate into a romantic/sexual relationship with him. While everything has been consensual (as far as I know), Tina did say that he validated the insecurities she had expressed to him while she was in the previous relationship and made promises that he didn’t keep.

I encouraged Tina to report all of this to our supervisor, especially since there has been more and more tension around the office (Tina tried to warn Alice, who got very mad at her and started picking fights with her; Jim no-showed at work two days in a row), which she did. Our supervisor’s questions mostly centered on if it was consensual, if there were any threats made, and what Tina needed to feel safe at work.

I feel that Jim is going to keep using our office as his personal hunting grounds for new flings. So I guess my question is: where is the line between sexual harassment and bad judgment? It’s very clearly bad judgment, but my supervisor didn’t seem overly concerned about his behavior going forward.

The law defines sexual harassment as behavior that’s unwelcome. This doesn’t sound like sexual harassment, but it does sound like Jim is gross and, as you say, has bad judgment. And it does sound like Tina’s manager asked her all the right questions.

However, Jim’s boss could certainly point out to him that what he’s doing reflects poorly on him and makes it look like he views work as a dating app, and even that his behavior is being perceived predatory and risks impacting his reputation and relationships with colleagues (and if he is indeed cheating on his girlfriend with each of these relationships, he really needs to keep that out of work if he doesn’t want people questioning his character). Also, if it’s causing tension at work, his manager can address it from that angle, framing it as, “Your private behavior is your private behavior, but you need to manage your relationships with colleagues in a way that doesn’t bring tension or awkwardness into work, for them and for anyone around you.” Of course, Jim’s boss may have done exactly this! You generally wouldn’t know if he had.

2. My office wants professional attire on camera but won’t explain what that means

My work just implemented a new dress code for remote work, stating that all work attire visible on camera must be “professional, including business casual.” Questions about what this means are unanswered. I’ve never understood where the line is between a shirt and a blouse, and a lot of my wardrobe from in-person work looks more casual when you can only see the top two inches. A few blazers look like robes when that’s all you see! Any recommendations on what to look for in work tops? I’m a woman in a woman-dominated field.

It’s pretty ridiculous that they’ve implemented a new dress code but then aren’t answering questions about it! Are you able to seek info a different way, like from your boss? If your boss doesn’t seem sure, then you could say, “Is what you normally see me wearing fine, or should I be making plans to get different clothes?” Better yet, ask this on camera so you can benchmark it to what you’re wearing at the time.

“Business casual” covers a huge range and different offices implement it differently, but typically for tops it would mean no t-shirts, tank tops (generally sleeveless is fine, just not thin straps), or hoodies. That may be all they mean here! But if they want people to do something differently, they’ll need to get more specific about it. If your boss isn’t able to answer questions about it, then you’re reasonably safe assuming you don’t need to change anything and figuring they can approach you with something more specific if they want to.

But to answer your question about the difference between a shirt and a blouse, often it comes down to material; cotton tends to read as more casual than other materials, for example, but even that isn’t a hard-and-fast rule.

3. I’m tired — do I have to develop professionally?

I don’t have to tell you that it’s a tough time. I work at a large org that seems to have gleefully embraced the wave of ditching DEI work. The U.S. is sliding into fascism. And we all have challenges in our personal lives.

Yet despite all the stress that we are all experiencing, my workplace keeps adding pressure to develop professionally. They throw us leadership training after leadership training (while I wonder the whole time if the leadership is anywhere in the institution), and I’m constantly being asked about my professional development goals.

My real goal is to hold on to my job because the job market is horrible, while putting most of my energy into my family and my community. I know I can’t say that. But I guess what I’m looking for is permission to just do the least. Aren’t there times when it’s okay to put professional development on the back burner?

Okay in the existential/spiritual/personal well-being sense? Yes, absolutely. Without question.

Whether it’s okay within the context of your organization is a different question. In lots of situations you could push back on this with your boss, citing your need to focus on existing projects or “things going on outside of work right now that limit how much extra I can do currently.” In others, you couldn’t. In the latter case, sometimes you can get around that by framing your “goals” in the context of things you’re already expected to do — like “ensure the fall gala goes off smoothly and raises $X” or something else that’s part of your job regardless. (More on that here.)

Related:
do I really have to have career ambition?

4. Employee returning to work after child was killed

I have an employee whose young adult son was killed trying to breakup an altercation that he did not start. The killer and accomplice have been arrested. Our employee has been out for a few months and will be returning to work soon. He reports to one of my managers, and I’m wondering what’s the best way to greet him when he returns. Welcoming him back does not seem appropriate, so I’m looking for the right words. Seems like pretending nothing happened isn’t the right response but I want to respect his privacy as well.

This case has been on the local news and I imagine the entire team is aware of what happened, but we did not send out any communication to the team. When asked where “John” was, we simply replied he is taking a leave of absence. I do know of at least two people on the team who attended the funeral services, so I think everyone knows (it’s a 24/7 support team of about 60 people across three shifts). John did not send anything to me or his manager regarding attending or asking us to invite anyone.

Advice on a proper response? Or just let John get back to work and resume the day to day?

How terrible. Tell him he and his family have been in your thoughts, and ask him to let you know if there’s anything he needs as he transitions back into work. If there are specific things you can offer that might be helpful, spell out what those are so he knows what he can ask for. For example, that could be additional time off, the ability to step away from his work if he needs a break, a quiet room he can use to do that in, etc. (And talk to his direct manager about those things too so that the two of you are on the same page.)

5. Does AAM have support staff?

Your column is obviously a lot of work. Do you have a support staff? Carolyn Hax, for example, often refers to her ex-husband and editors and others who help her put out her column. Do you too or are you doing all this solo?

I have a tech firm that handles the tech and an ad firm that handles the ads, and everything else is me. (My exes don’t do jack, but I should start trying to send them work and see what happens.)

The post coworker hunts for dates at work, office is changing dress code but won’t explain how, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/09/coworker-hunts-for-dates-at-work-office-is-changing-dress-code-but-wont-explain-how-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32979